Stupid, stupid, stupid

"Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy."

From the extreme happiness of finding another place, to the extreme depression of everything exploding in my face. Mostly because I'm an idiot.

I should have mentioned the smoking earlier, that much is obvious. I think I figured out why I didn't do it though, in case anyone is interested in my self-analysis. I want to leave my apartment, and the smoking made for a good excuse. I didn't mention it, because as long as the smoking was a problem, I had a legitimate reason for leaving. And I really do want to leave. I really, really do. The place I found was great, and I want to live with people my age.

Anyway, she confronted me about my feelings, I told her the truth, and it kind of exploded from there. She said she would have stopped had I mentioned, it but I never mentioned it. Very true, very true. See the thing is I have no response to her, so I'm just left kind of wallowing in what is not entirely self pity but more like self-stupidity. I'm still leaving though, now more than ever. And soon. Tomorrow, for the new place, I hope. And if not the new place, a hostal. She's very upset with me for leaving her in a bind, for telling her I would be there for ten months and not being here for ten months. There was a lot of door slamming on her part. I'm sure this means I'm not getting my deposit, which at this point I don't care at all about. And I do feel bad... but at the same time, I want to be happy in my home. I'm not happy here. Is it so wrong to put my happiness ahead of what she needs? Is that selfishness? I don't know. Stupidity, maybe, at least. But I have less than 9 months left here, and I really want to make good memories. I don't want this apartment tainting them.

Man, being an adult sucks sometimes. Also being human. That also sucks sometimes.

So now I'm up until dawn, unable to sleep, alternating between trying to forget what's happened and trying to rationalize it. Trying to plan out my escape in the morning before she gets up, and leave for good just as she comes back. I'm contemplating dropping off my suitcase at the school in my office, that way it'll be easier to transport to the new place. I'm thinking about getting a room at a hostel just for the storage space. I feel bad for leaving a really negative impression on the neighbors below me, who own the apartment and have been so kind about everything. I think their reactions bother me the most. I think I'll have to send a letter or something, if only to apologize.

It'll be better tomorrow, won't it? Things get better as time passes, don't they? I'll feel less guilty later, I hope. I'll learn from this experience. I'll grow from it. In nine months, I won't see any of these people again, most likely, and I'll move on with my life. But boy does it suck right now.

On a related note, if I do move into my new place tomorrow, I will not have internet for a few days. I'll try to leave a message from my little hotspot, whatever happens. Say a prayer for me, would you? Even if you don't think it'll do anything, I appreciate it.

Well, it's six a.m. I suppose that makes this the appropriate time to take a shower. Morning everyone.